This is a continuation of my thoughts about the Metrolink train crash on September 12, 2008. I'm using this blog to sort out my feelings because I really don't like talking about that day.
Would you want to know in advance the day you die? I don't think so, that's too creepy for me but in retrospect do you want to know the day you don't?
Many questions haunt me but the biggest is why do I feel guilty? By some quirk of fate I wasn't on train. That alone should make me the happiest person right now but how can you be happy when someone else died or was injured in your place. If I were looking at it from another persons' prospective I'd be elated my loved one wasn't on that train. More than once I've started to go to the Simi station. I'd like to put a candle, or flowers, or a note at the spontaneous memorials that have appeared but I couldn't tell someone grieving: I was one of the lucky ones.
Time has a way of creating a foggy distance from things horrible and this will be the case here. I am sleeping better, less nightmares, and I'm not reliving each moment of last Friday in my mind. I have the support of loving and caring friends and family and writing about my feelings is somewhat helpful.
Friday I plan to board the train in Simi, if it's running, head downtown and when I'm done for the day, take whatever train is available. If that means the 111 I hope I'm able to make that step through the doors.