Mondays can be fun

Do you get those unsolicited e-mails from some made-up names? I must share because I feel I found the perfect non de plume, Albertino Molehunt.

Dear mature lady at the park on Sunday,

When you were 30 I'm sure those breasts were perky enough for that tube top but in the span of 40, or so, years lots happens to our bodies. So if your bra size is approaching a 32 long ditch the tube top for something that doesn't let everyone see those skinny boobs of yours.

Yours respectfully,

Albertino Molehunt

Baseball season; it can't come soon enough

There are times when I just can't stand people in general. No one person, just the idiots who seem to make it on the six o'clock news for some ridiculous reason, or cut me off trying to get one stupid car length ahead or, are just plain rude; rude on purpose. To combat this ugly mood I was in I decided to be over patient and kind to folks.

While in a department store a woman nearly knocked me over trying to get her cart in front of me and instead of causing a scene I smiled and commented her choice of Easter decorations. Not my choice but then I hardly decorate for Christmas. "Gee, what a cute rabbit," I said. Her response took way too long and included an inventory of everything she was planning to purchase. Did you know you can actually bite your tongue enough to draw blood? Strike One

My next stop was the market and though I had a small amount in my cart I let the woman behind me, carrying just a few items, go ahead. She was wearing a Dodger jacket and being a fan myself I thought I'd have a little conversation; not my usual thing to do in a market but I was trying. "I bet you'll be glad when the season starts," I said brightly. She frowned at me told me her husband buys crap like this in hopes I go to a game with him but I don't because I hate baseball. Strike Two.

People who know me are well aware I have no trouble with the F-bomb; it just rolls off my tongue but since all the kafuffle over some people in our government using it I thought I'd amend my ways. Now, when forced to swear, I'll be saying things like "What the Joe Biden?"
"Oh, Joe Biden, I broke a nail." or, my favorite, "Get the Joe Biden out of my way. Home Run.

Nothing better to do than annoy the cats

Some bizarre pong game. Even has sound effects.

Dude!

If your baggy-half-masted jeans are riding so far below your BVDs that we can see skid-marks-- you are no longer making a fashion statement but a statement on your hygiene. Dude?!

Almost all alone on your birthday

What the heck happened to Admission Day in California? September 9th was always a holiday when I was a kid but it's sort of disappeared from the state radar. The state offices will be closed for Labor Day but open for Admission Day. This has become a non-holiday relegated to a small celebration on the capital steps with a few songs and some ice-cream and cake. No whoopla, not even an Admission Day sale; we have sales for every holiday.

How would you feel if no one remembered your birthday? So here sits a 159 year-old in the corner of the nursing home–on life support–wearing a party hat and no big party. "Boy, says the state, I hope I live to be 160, maybe then they'll do something for the old girl."

Jeeze, I hope she lives another year, too, don't you?

Now, I've seen everything

Signs of the Apocalypse: Plague, pestilence, wars, me buying a PC. Readers that know me would agree this is a disturbing sign.

It's not that I've never used a PC, there is one in my husbands office and when I was employed I used both a Mac and a PC; I can see some benefits of both. And it's not like I'll be using it for anything serious, just surfing the web when we are camping. A bit of bill paying, blog posting, or e-mailing–nothing serious at all–just a need for a laptop.

Why did I pick a PC over a Mac Laptop? Honestly, it's the price. For the very few times I'll need it I couldn't justify a Mac. That and the fact the Mac Tablet won't be out until next year sometime. What is the Tablet? It will be larger than an Ipod Touch and smaller than a laptop and I'm sure more expensive than both combined but when it does come out I'll have to investigate, sell some blood and buy one. I'm a sucker for Macs you see, been one for ages.

Here's hoping the Mac Tablet comes out next year and not 2012 since that is the expected year of the Apocalypse. I'd sure like to enjoy it before Armageddon.

Is nothing sacred?

There is honestly a product called Anti-Monkey Butt. With this guy on the bottle do I have to say more?

This product was featured at the check-out of a hardware store in Solvang and I can't say why, maybe the picture, it brought me to my knees with laughter. I so wanted my friend to purchase some but he refused but it's still funny. Side splitting, pants wetting, cry your mascara off funny.

True confessions

I met him in parking lot of the Post Office of all places. He stole my heart with his sexy body. He was black with yellow stripes. I felt like a school girl and when I learned he was electric; I fell head over heels in love.

When I saw him I thought I recognized him only when he told me his name did I know for sure."It's Cooper, M. Cooper." Knowing how my husband would feel I went directly home and told him; I'm not ashamed of my new love. Devastated to learn we couldn't be together I begged for him to reconsider but I was informed he might have time for me in 2012 but no sooner.

My unrequited love will have to wait until then I'll dream of time we can be united and silently slip away.

Lightening strikes

Some lucky bastard/bastardettet has won the California Lottery but that's not news. Someone is always winning the California Lottery; it's just not me. It's just never in my neighborhood, either. Ah, but Wednesday night some lucky schmo did indeed win and the ticket was bought blocks from my house. There was ten mil walking distance from my purse and I bought mine across the street.

At first I was pissed. Oh great lightening doesn't strike twice-- now I've got to go to another town to buy my tickets. Then it realized how great is to win ten million. Good for them. I hope they need it, who couldn't use ten mil right now, or I hope their family or friends or neighbors could use it and they will be generous enough to do something fun, like throw a big party.

So now I've got to change my lottery ticket buying policy, now I can't buy a ticket here anymore. Vacation is coming up and I'll buy a ticket when I get out of town. I might even buy a few tickets along the way. We could stop every twenty miles and buy a ticket or two. Or find a town where no one has won. I wonder if there's a list?

This, is life

There is a blog I read regularly, The Pioneer Woman. She's funny, witty, and has a bunch of kids, dogs, horses, and family. Mix that all together with the fact she's a dynamite cook and a fantastic photographer who lives on a cattle ranch and you've got a great read. I keep a link to her on the right side of this blog under Foodie Friends so visit her from time to time for a laugh or a tear or a damn good recipe. If you are into homeschooling she's got that covered as well.

PW often photographs her dogs and this snap makes me smile. I keep going back to these photos and what I realized is this is an analogy for life. Sometimes it grips you right by the throat but if you relax it will stop. It might even give you a slobbery kiss.

Editors note: No dogs were harmed in the shooting of these photos. PW wouldn't hurt a flea. Well, maybe a flea but never another dog. That's one of her attributes I admire.

A funny for the 4th

Because I'm not a fan of the e-mail passed on from friend to friend my good friends rarely send them to me but after the week I've had this one was appreciated.

Briefly, my week: First was the leak and now our Honda Hybrid, six years of age, has decided it would like some new batteries. Not those everyday, lets buy them at Pep Boy's batteries, but the fancy designer type. You know the type, the ones costing us three grand. Yes, three large will just about cover it. I'm wondering how much you can get for a kidney.

So, here is a funny for the 4th. I do need to predicate this with a warning. Do not be drinking, sipping or even thinking of doing the aforementioned while reading this. Honest.

WARNING TO WOMEN!!

Some of you may have already been warned of this …

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched ...

One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic ' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on... Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.

P.P..S. - These same thieves came into my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do it????

Just thought you should know.

Wish I'd said that

It's not a lie, it's a gift for fiction.

Need to drive in the Carpool lane?

I'm sure this would qualify you for the HOV lane. Sure, just tell the cop, when he stops you, these are co-workers.

Not all milk and cookies with grandma anymore

Let's hope the economy doesn't get this bad.

Pilates: the Huns strike back

If you are a sedentary desk potato, such as myself, you most likely have not heard of Pilate's. Just to clarify the pronunciation; replace the "s" with a "z". It's an exercises regimen designed by a German in the early 20th century. Done correctly it uses slow deliberate body movements and controlled breathing to strenghten the bodies core muscles.

Slow exercising? Sounds like something I could do. I like slow. I have a body that could use core muscle tone. Why not? Boy, was I wrong. After one session at my local gym my muscles were reduced to a large quivering mass. Sliding behind the wheel to drive home was a challenge and I prayed I wouldn't have to use my arms for any quick defensive driving movements. Holy cat!

About half the class could keep up with each exercises with meant this stuff really works or they already were fit and just like to show off. Before the class a woman did a headstand while waiting. It must be some sort of stretch, and she could have just been showing off, but it was impressive. The other half was struggling like me so I felt right at home.

When I kissed my husband good night I warned him I might not be the same woman in the morning and I was right. This morning each step reminded me of how out of shape I'd gotten. This is after walking all summer, giving tours at the Getty Center, and two months of water aerobics. I have to hand it to this instructor, she's good. There were no muscles groups untouched by pain.

Will I go back? Sure, if one session can work the muscles that much there must be some benefit and who knows, I may be able to do a headstand next month. Yeah, right.

Pull your head out, sir

Hindsight is looking back out through your keister.

Engrish not spoken here

New site from the folks who bring you I can has cheezeburger? Engrish is funny.

Now why wouldn't the Walmart want this product?


more the engrish!

Tennis anyone?

In February of this year I did something very stupid. Some believe I do stupid things just so I have fodder for this blog and I'm trying to deny this but these events just keep popping up. I've spent more time in therapy this year than a Hollywood starlet, and that will be the last time anyone compares me to a starlet, I promise.

So what's my new round of therapy for? My old elbow that I keep injuring. I did it a disservice when I couldn't use my right broken wrist and now am paying the price with a case of lateral epicondylitis flareup , which to some people is tennis elbow. After a particular nasty two weeks I finally got to see the Dr and he shot me full of cortisone which made me feel I want to go out and pitch 12 more innings and play Roger Federer a few sets. That stuff is amazing. Too bad you just can't order it up for all sorts of situations.

For the time being I feel great and every morning I wake, try my arm, and bless that Dr Needle for all this good work. Like every thing else this should wear off and I'll be back in the same situation and Dr Needle says I might have to go to Dr Knife which I'm trying to avoid because Dr Knife's real name is Mr Pain.

It's crazy not to be cool!

While downtown last week I neglected to add this little tip on beating the heat. It was so frightfully hot I had to call short my trip to Pasadena.

In LA we have a some what efficient subway called the Metro; how original. Now this is by no means perfect but I've been a rider since it opened and I love it. I just wish it would go to the Westside or closer to me but hey, baby steps, we've only had a traffic problem since the 40s.

Where we do become original is in the names of the trains. Each Metro train is given a color designation and the train to Pasadena is named the Gold line. We also have Blue, Red, Purple, Green, and I can't imagine what would be next; the salmon pink or maybe taupe or how about the plaid line. It is LA, after all, and we are a rainbow of color here on the west coast.

We also have the Orange line which is a bus traveling in it's own roadway and only stops at a few stations. This has been a great success with only one drawback, cars can accidentally get into this roadway with some pretty serious accidents. If you read my sister's blog, she has an article from Dave Barry about Miami's famous bad drivers. If bad driving were an Olympic event Miami might just edge us out for the Gold but LA would most definitely be in the running for Silver.

Back to my new hint to beat the heat. With the temperature breaking into triple digits I found myself in the need to cool down. I'd been to Pasadena walking about and was now back at Union Station waiting for my train home. It would be at least an hour and a half in a crowded, non-air conditioned terminal and I was getting pretty dopey with the heat. I prompted me to get a big cup of ice and some soda to cool down. When I'd finished the soda I found munching on the ice was quite refreshing. I also found when I dropped a cube, quite by accident, down the front of my dress it was even better.

This turned into one of the ah ha moments--necessity being the Mother of Invention--I needed to cool down! Off to the Ladies Room to pack my foundation garments with sufficient ice chips to see me through the next hour. Boy, did that work. They slowly melted, made my dress a little damp, and with the slight breeze, cooled me down to somewhat normal temp. It was either that or soak my head in the sink, I needed to cool down, folks. Don't judge me.

Here are some rules to follow when trying this new method to stay cool.

1. This might only work if you are wearing a dress.
   
2. Always wear loose fitting clothes.
3. Always wear a print, less likely to show the wet areas.
4. Find a vendor that has ice in chips not big cubes.
5. Don't really give a damn if people think you odd for putting ice down your cleavage.
   

Trust me, I was the most comfortable person in the terminal at that time except the woman with the shopping bag on her head, I bet it was wet.

Graphs I can understand

I never was good at graphs but this one explains it all. Not all on Graph Jam are as funny but ever so often they hit the mark.
more graph humor and song chart memes